Several of you have asked how often I plan on writing. I will tell you writing my first blog was emotionally and physically exhausting. With that being said, I know I can in no way write on a daily basis so for now I am looking to write weekly.
Some of you have mentioned the picture. This picture was taken on my last trip to Costa Rica. I have chosen this picture for a reason. It reminds me of the great power of God. Although the waves having been crashing over me, and at times I thought I may drown, my only hope has been my faith in God. This is not to say that I have lived up to that faith over this past year. Admittedly, there have been times in which anger, doubt and not caring has been my mantra of the past year. I do ask for forgiveness of those who might have witnessed these times.
Anger raised its ugly head quickly. There may be some people who say, some of the events in which the anger arose was justified and until recently I agreed. While Tammy was still sick, I was using my earned sick time to take off work. The week following Tammy pasting away, my directed supervisor contacted me saying the boss was wanting a doctor’s note excusing my being absent. This was the only contact I had with my boss following Tammy passing away, understand I saw him almost every day in which I worked. The anger brewing inside me was saying, how could someone known to be a leader in his church, only contact be through my direct supervisor, saying he was needed a doctor’s note. While this requirement was totally at his discretion. Doesn’t he know that I am experiencing a terrible tragedy! Doesn’t he know a simple text saying, I am praying for you would been incrediblely uplifting!
I must admit this incident filled me with anger. I finally had to come to a point of brokenness in which I forgave my boss. Forgiveness is an interesting subject isn’t it? If we hold onto anger, the only person it really hurts is ourselves. I know many of you have experienced terrible events in your life and struggle with forgiveness. I wish I could say I displayed a strong example for you but I know I did not. For that I am truly sorry.
Jesus’s words kept playing over in my mind; “when you stand praying, if you hold anything against anyone, forgive them, so that your Father in heaven may forgive you your sins.” Mark 11:25. We are not to judge people or their actions but God will judge all men at the appointed time. I can honestly say that though I know we will never hangout together, I have forgave my boss. A burden was lifted from my shoulders through this act of forgiveness.
Anger was also building up in my most inner being towards the church in which I served for many years. I did not feel as if I was receiving the support of the church. The people I worshipped with for years, were not reaching out to provide support. I received support from non-christians and co-workers but from very few individuals from the church. God was quick to prompt my heart to ask the question, is your faith in the church or in Me.
Through some tough times of examinations of myself, I realized there have been times in my life where my faith was dependent of the church instead of God himself. Do not get me wrong, the Church is to carry the burdens of one another. Gal. 6:2. I want to encourage everyone within the Church to support each other. When the lives within a church entwined, the cords created by this entwinment are much strong and harder to break.
If anger towards other people is consuming your most inner being, cry out to God, so that he may free you. My next blog will be anger with God.
3 thoughts on “Broken – Anger Part I”
So I am glad that you wrote this. I had a lot of anger when she passed. Partly with myself. Why didn’t I stay that night? Partly with the doctors. I’ve seen do many go through radiation and chemo in my field and they had so much more time. There had to be another treatment. Why not her?
I had anger towards family members. This is public so I won’t say who, because that is something I have to work through. How could they act like they were so close to her? Why didn’t they care more? There was and is so many reason I was angry. I’m still working through this. Lord help me this is a daily battle.
I guess that’s easier for some . I’m not good with forgiving nor am I good with my anger at stuff like this especially with this . I know that’s not the way to be but it’s hard to not be mad at the universe for taking someone so selfless and so loving and caring that was a good person when there are so many other people that are lazy and a waste of space on earth that rape and murder etc. And don’t get me started on the doctors and FDA I might get kicked off the internet if I start telling you what I think of them . So again Kevin you are a much stronger man then I am and when you retire I’m visiting your boss. Lol
My sister was very lucky to had found the love of her life and die knowing that she did and I now we are very lucky to have you to keep her close to us all . I love you brother and thank you again for such up lifting and beautiful words I truly appreciate you and hate that you have had to go thru such a painful experience because again the universe could have picked any bad person to deal with this but picked you and Tammy which are the the best kind of people the world could ask for. Love you and can’t wait to continue this journey you have for us .
Kevin, so glad you are finally able to share your feelings and experiences with all of us about Tammy. I know how hard it must be for you. Although I have never lost the love of my life and helpmate to such a perminent thing as death. However I have had my share of experiences with such a dark confusing thing called death. First my mom over twenty-five years ago then in more recent years two of my younger brothers, a granddaughter, my dad and a daughter that I was once very close to. Not to mention all my grandparents and others I was very close to. I didn’t say all this to turn your attention to my grief but to let you know that I can somewhat relate to how loosing someone so close to you can effect you physically, mentally and also spiritually.
You were not home the day that I came to yours and Tammy’s home and went to her bedside and said my goodbyes to her. But although she was so sick and really couldn’t speak to me in allot of words, she did let me know she understood my words when she reached for my hand. I just wanted her to know that although cercumstances came between our relationship as mother and daughter that I never stopped loving her. And I let her know the women she had become and the life she lived, I was very proud of.
I didn’t only loose my first little girl once, but twice. The first time was over twenty years ago when her dad and I divorced , and the second time was the day she went to be with our Lord Jesus Christ for eternity. But I do have the comfort of knowing the next time I see her she will be healthy and happy walking the streets of gold and cancer free. I will be looking forward to seeing all my loved ones that left here in pain be happy and and healthy one day.
I will continue to follow your blog and look forward to reading more about your memories of our Tammy and how you are doing being left with only those and Jesus to hold onto. So glad to know you are in a place spiritually that you are continueing to stay strong in the Lord. I know that you will be able to help others come to the knowledge of our Lord and Savoir. Thanks for being such a strong tower in Booty, Jeremy and Stormy’s life. It means allot to them and to myself. And I know it would mean allot to Tammy.
Love and prayers to you, Drew , Caleb and all of your family. Until your next blog.